TW anorexia

 i will always take pride in my sickness even when it kills me because at least i will die more attractive than others. i see my fat legs but take pride in knowing that at least i have a thigh gap and thin arms that i can wrap my hands around up to my shoulder. i want to be bmi 11 again because i want the attention and concern, even if i don't miss the feeding tube and hospitals and near death. ive been close to death so many times that i cant count.

i wish i wasn't like this. i admit i can be toxic, i can be mean, i can be a bully, but i don't tend to care if i know they wont see it because what does it matter what i say if it doesn't affect them? its nothing they haven't heard before, and everyone is thinking it when they see them in real life, anyway.

people who make the assumption that i developed an eating disorder because i was ever fat make me laugh. my highest weight is 85 pounds and you want to assume i was ever fat when it hasn't even reached triple digits and i'm 5'10. i like the control, i like the compliments, i know girls seethe will jealousy when they me, wishing they could have my body.

i'm not fatphobic mostly because i don't believe that's a real thing. i don't think fat people are oppressed. no weight class is oppressed unless you're genuinely just obese and cant do/fit certain things. its not oppression & also i don't hate fat people, like, at all. i just like picking on them in private. I'm not being serious when i insult them, anyway.

i wish my family fed into my disorder. they call my ex-friends or relatives fat, but they're always talking about how im 'too skinny.' why cant you just compliment me and be glad im not fat? since you say you wish you had my body all the time...