I'm trying to piece together from when I was a kid (mostly just trauma dumping about mom again. We do not see her practically at all anymore so maybe it is good to hold onto even the bad things that we remember)

I remember being afraid of her all the time. Maybe I still am scared. 

I felt like her mood always changed whenever she was around me. 

Like, one moment, everything was fine, and then the next, she was mad. She was usually mad. or too drugged out of her mind to feel anything.

I remember hiding a lot when she was mad. Bedroom, closet, wherever.

I've always been pretty small, so it was easy to hide in tight spaces. Mom would never bother to look for me in the really small places, like the closet, or under the bed.

I remember a lot of yelling. Don’t even remember what she was yelling about most times. don't remember who she was yelling at either.

She was always yelling.

I remember one time when I was like maybe five. Six? dont know. Was hungry, and I wanted some food. Went to the kitchen. Mom was there, and I said I was hungry.

She yelled at me. Told me to wait until dinner. This was kind of ironic because we never had set times we'd eat anyway. so the concept of dinner didn't exist because we just ate when we had the chance, not at specific times. And obviously, nobody was making dinner.

Didn’t understand why she was mad, because I just wanted to eat. But she got mad. Mad. She yelled and said I was ungrateful (for whatever reason)… and then she grabbed me, because I can remember her hand in my hair. Lifted me and brought me to her room. I want to say it was her room. 

I think that’s all I remember… about that.

Sorry, that was kind of unimportant. 

I remember being locked in the room / the basement / the closet. Sometimes for days, it was all dark in there, and I was alone when I was there. And then eventually someone would come down and get me. I just remember being scared.

I was in the hospital a lot. I remember that part. Mom left, and I was put in the care of a foster family. I think. I was with a lot of people that weren't my parents but I don't know if was necessarily ever adopted, like, legally. Because I'm not documented anyway. So it's kind of like I don't exist.  It's confusing. Because I ended up going back to my mom/dad anyway. Maybe it was just family members taking me in for a bit because my mom couldn't take care of me.

Those people were nice. They treated me like I was a normal kid. I didn't stay for long though. and I never saw them again, so... I don't know

and I remember being sick a lot. That's why I was in the hospital, I think.

I don’t remember much from the hospital, though. it's all kinda blurry. Maybe that’s why I hate doctors so much.

I remember other things. Being at school. But I don't remember seeing any other kids when I was younger there. 

I was alone most of the time. Even when the other kids were around, they didn’t… notice me. Like, I wasn’t there. No one talked to me at school. Not like I wanted to talk to them either.

I was in special education for a while though I'm pretty sure that's why I don't remember anyone else because it was a 1-on-1 thing. The entirety of middle school I don't remember. Dropped out of 9th grade and was basically on my own after that. I'm in uni now & I tutor English part-time though... not sure that'll last. 

When I wasn't living in apartments, my family went to neighborhoods, sometimes there were kids there. But I did not talk to them or anything because I wasn't allowed outside, I did not have any friends growing up besides two.

Remember going out sometimes. To the grocery store, or wherever mom needed to go. or different houses. Wherever. Sometimes we were on the streets for a while when it was late out

or sometimes, we would go somewhere different, and mom would tell me to stay somewhere until she got back. I was never sure how long she’d be gone. It could be five minutes, or it could be two hours, or longer, or sometimes she'd leave the house for days on end leaving me by myself or with my older brother. I was a little older when this happened though

That's all I want to write here for now.